Trigger warning! The gates of Mordor.

Sometimes I shut my eyes and see myself stood at the foot of a towering black gate. Its menacing just by its presents. Like something out of Lord of the Rings. I can be in two places. 

Standing at the bottom of the gate marvelling at its great width. I stand alone, singular, in the dry dusty desert one hand feeling the warm of the wood. The sun has heated and weathered the rough oak timbers  over time. This is my entrance to Mordor.

Whistfuly I find myself hovering somehow now miles in the air and I look over the gate. On the other side is mayhem. Orcs everywhere, slimy, ugly, angry. On the other side is noisy and intent on a fight.

 I hate what I see, I can't distinguish the noise of all the rabble. They are whipped into frenzy by thier own encouragement, I am scared of them.

Back down again at the bottom of the gate my heart pumps. looking  at the doors they are  tall, wide, huge, strong. For them to hold and 'contain' is easy. I reach my hand out again and feel the tar stained hulks of timber.

Then I realise that when the inhabitants of that world are pumped enough, the gates with be opened. My wants will mean nothing. Just like the film they will creak open, lumbering outwards to release a torrent of destruction, reaction. I will not be able to breath through the fear, I will be trampled without ever having been seen.

So to be asked "why dont you just face your fears?", makes me run. To be asked "why do you drink?", makes me fold in shame. To be asked anything without the speakers understanding hurts, I must hide. I will hide , I want to protect myself. I know the logic, I know the reasons to the gate, but nothing ever prepares you for how the stampede 'feels'.

Feelings eradicate logic, eradicate 'being sensible', eradicate who you really want to be. Brain triggered frontal cortex lame and useless. We must protect we must survive. That great gate crashes in an instance, the Orcs are free.

I Painted A Wall

This post will have spelling mistakes. This post will have bad grammer. But I write in desperation to get some of these words and thoughts out of my head, I am not in a place where it will make sense, so I will not try to.

Right now there is a consuming energy  trapped in my body like a crazy wooshing wirlpool. Its wirled through me over the last week building momentum and swirling relentlessly. Now my body is exhausted, so the energy has arrrived in my head. My body has given up. I try to filter and make sense, but its like holding back a crashing wave in a gale.

So how did I get here, what path has brought this 'manic crazieness' on me. What is it that now has voice after voice shouting at me, that has created suggestion after relentless suggestion. Why for split moments do I believe I could literaly create and do massive  crazy tasks, why am I told they would be so easy to achieve "just get started". Why when the enegry rams itself through my neck and swirls into my body, do I feel it kicking at me to try and get my exhausted frame to "stand up" and "get on" I feel shaky and bruised. Every now and then it finds a place to try and gather energy. In bed my feet twitch my arms stiffen, I find it lurking in my back and legs , making them stiff. In the end it gives up and travels back to my head.

It morphs once again into voices, sugesting advising, "they" now try to trick me, "They" make smaller demands in unison, smaller requests and we dive into the world of small of minute micro perfection. I react knowing they just want to trap me there so they can build back up to "being" and demanding the BIG. I give up, Ears ringing, thoughts flying voices shouting, songs looping over and over, "anything can happen" "anything can happen". I will not give my head over, I feel physically sick. It's such a fight. I will not move for fear to "creating a start". I freeze myself in self preservation.

So I come back to the question how did this start? How did I miss how on earth I got here. The answer, I decided I might be strong enough to paint a wall.